Why You Need to Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
The Little Known Secret to Upleveling Every Level Of Your Life
BY SHANA LYNN YAO
“Don’t downgrade your dream just to fit your reality. Upgrade your conviction to match your destiny.”
Toughen up buttercup.
I know. Harsh. But trust me, this is for you, not me.
We’ve all heard the age old adage, “When life gets harder, challenge yourself to be tougher.”
Easier said than done, right? But the truth is, life is no bed of roses. In fact, as a 52 year old (so trust me, I have lived through some major challenges I will go into later), I can confirm that the things that made me push myself to my limits - actually push PAST limits I didn’t even know I had - are the things that made me up level my life.
Go figure. It turns out the challenges we ALL go through in life (again trust me, if you haven’t encountered any really rough ones, just wait), are what I believe are gifts from above. They are the adventures we are given to help us reach our true potential, and live fulfilled, meaningful lives.
CAN’T CHANGE IT
It’s the things our lives are made of. Death, suffering, sadness, regret… those are human conditions that unfortunately, are part of being human.
What you cannot change, you must accept. You can’t argue, reason with it, deny it, or surpass it. Otherwise known as resistance, doing so will just prolong your suffering.
My first lesson in this was when my mom - my best friend in the whole world - died suddenly and unexpectedly of the flu 15 years ago. I did not know death before she died. My grandparents had died, other people had died, but honestly, I never imagined my mother would too.
To say it was devastating would not even do the horrific sadness and loss I felt justice. I screamed, lashed out at her for leaving me, begged God to bring her back. I cried, literally, for 3 years. Daily. I lost 30 lbs and became anorexic. And I slept an hour an night. For 3 years.
It wasn’t until one day, I woke up in tears and something occurred to me. She wasn’t coming back. My mom was not coming back. And there I was, shaming all of the love and gifts she gave me. Ignoring her last wishes all of her 9 brothers and sisters told me at her funeral, for me to be happy.
It was that moment, difficult as it was, I knew I had to accept that my mom was never coming back. I couldn’t change it, and now, I had to change something in me to make her wish come true.
It was uncomfortable. In fact, it challenged my being - to allow myself to smile again. To allow myself to think of her and NOT cry. To allow myself to NOT think about her. I want to say I felt like people were going to judge me for not being sad - but the truth is, I was judging myself for what I thought was normal for grief. I had to move on with my life, accept her death, and become comfortable with this new, uncomfortable reality.
THE DUALITY OF EMOTIONS
You can be happy and sad at the same time.
It’s true. In fact, your thoughts are like a passing train. You can choose to jump off, jump on, and hang on for your dear life on any of those train cars going by.
Many years ago when Eckhart Toile came out with his book The Power of Now, and had said on an Oprah interview that “you are not your thoughts.” My first reaction was - yes you are! If you believe it is true, then it is in fact TRUE!
It really wasn’t until recently, I started to realize that it is a CHOICE to put emotion towards your thoughts, and that was what Eckhart was talking about.. It’s a weird concept, but if you think a thought, if you just allow space for that thought to pass, our short attention spans will naturally let that thought leave your mind.
The problem for most people, is that we JUDGE it. We think about it. We attach a story to it - like “I am fat” and then your brain will go and search out A MILLION reasons why you are, indeed fat. You ate that extra dessert last night, that roll you feel on your belly, the sideways look that person gave you confirming you were fat and ugly.
You obsess about it. And suddenly that thought that could have passed, has a deep seated emotional story in your subconsciousness.
It’s like feeding yourself poison than wonder why you are dying.
Instead, I have found that having a mindset and affirmation of NO JUDGEMENTS EVER - with enough practice, will allow you that space for you to let that thought pass.
It’s why people talk about meditation so much, but most people don’t understand that meditation is not to clear your mind. It’s to allow your mind to have those 60,000-80,000 thoughts and just watch them pass like that train. That’s how you allow two or more opposing thoughts exist. They aren’t your reality - or even if they are - that’s just an observation. There is no story or emotion of good or bad - unless you CHOOSE it.
MENTAL TOUGHNESS - AKA EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE
The key to life itself.
Emotional resilience - mental toughness - inner strength. It’s all the same thing and as a human, you don’t have it or not have it. You build it. And over time, it becomes our natural default.
Think of back in the caveman days when they had to fight for their food and own survival. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to go out and think you may encounter a sabertooth tiger! Or almost just as bad, come home with nothing and have to starve for a few days.
Emotional resilience is and can be strengthened. It’s just that us humans have gotten so used to comfort, instant gratification (did someone say Amazon or Instagram?!?) If you’re like many people, you may get annoyed at traffic, frustrated when your food delivery shows up incorrect, or complaining about having to wait in line.
The truth is, we have such a comfortable life - even if you are struggling financially, if you have a smart phone and computer, if you have a mind that can think and learn - you’re doing better than much of the world.
This article is about getting UNCOMFORTABLE. Because it’s a muscle. And right now our resiliency muscles are very WEAK. Inner strength is inside of each of us. But it must be developed - over time and through daily practice.
“But why would I put myself through pain if I don’t have to?” you may ask?
Because when life hits you with unexpected, UNCOMFORTABLE, horrible situations - you want to be ready. And note that I said “when” life hits you - it’s not a choice. And by the end of this article, you will see how while at first getting uncomfortable may be hard, making it a daily practice and a challenge, is actually FUN! It’s an adventure, a game - this is about mastering the game of life.
ACCEPT REALITY
We live our lives ignoring ourselves. Amidst those 60,000-80,000 thoughts we have a day, 5% of them are conscious thoughts. You know, otherwise known as your hopes and dreams, or a nagging real problem we need to address.
But blame social media, a busy schedule, or just plain denial, we don’t listen to ourselves. We let it fester, hang there like dirty laundry, and it just builds and builds - until one day - as Oprah says, it becomes a knock upside our head, a boulder that falls on our path, a crash onto our lives.
Accepting reality is the first step to creating change in anything. Whether it’s addressing that nagging pain in your gut that won’t go away, the growing credit card bill, or that damn vision you have that is NOT what you have in your life now, part of the reason it’s there, is to give you a sign that it needs to be addressed.
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. As Jocko Willink says in his book “Discipline Equals Freedom”,
Leaders must face the facts through a realistic, brutally honest assessment of themselves. Identifying weaknesses, good leaders seek to strengthen them and come up with a plan to overcome challenges.
Accepting reality is not about accepting the story you told yourself about reality - it’s literally just taking stock of what is, so what can be, can be.
How do you do that if you are in denial of what is?
IMAGINE WHAT YOU WANT
This is a crazy concept that will have your head spinning.
Actually letting yourself DREAM! To imagine the PERFECT life - and with the caveat that you actually believe it is possible.
WHHHAAAATTT???
I know. It sounds like I’m going to talk about the law of attraction or something, but the truth is, the reason why most people don’t achieve the life they want, is that they try to be REALISTIC about their goals.
I know I sound crazy, but stay with me.
Looking at reality IS the problem. If you never let yourself imagine what is a “perfect” life for you, you can’t create it for sure, and you also can’t see what the problems are that are littering your subconscious that you could actually change..
You know, those gut emotions, those nagging thoughts you have every so often. They are hidden in your avoidance of your own dreams.
Take out a piece of paper — let’s call it a JOURNAL - and write in present tense, the life you want. As you want it. Don’t hold back. Leave existing circumstances behind. Ignoring reality is your path to freedom.
“But how am I going to get to there from here?”
And here is where most people give up and fail. You become so attached to what is, that you can’t even imagine a life of what could be.
Imagine if Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Albert Einstein, or the millionaire next door thought that. The world - their world would have never changed.
Allow yourself to ignore reality. Leave the next step to the next step.
THE NEXT STEP
Now that you have your vision of what you want in front of you, you need to write that down EVERY SINGLE DAY.
What? The whole thing everyday? That’s stupid.
No, that’s why your dream is so far away. Back to those 60,000 - 80,000 thoughts we have each day, the notifications on your phone, the emails waiting for you to answer - if you don’t remind yourself of your own vision, and you don’t see signs of it with your limited conscious 5% of thoughts, your vision will die.
It’s a harsh reality and why most people live their lives seeking certainty outside of them - they look to the media, they seek out little hits of dopamine on social media to satisfy their DIS-satisfaction with life, and when life as they knew it blows up (AKA 2020), they blame things outside of them they can’t control for their lack of certainty in the future.
Life IS uncertain. Deal with it. In fact, learn to LOVE it. It’s what makes life so fun and adventurous. Like a rollercoaster, you may not know what awaits at the next turn, but if you know at the end you will feel exhilarated and fulfilled, it’s so worth it.
DO IT NOW
One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. - Paulo Coelho
Drop a piece of paper. Now tell your mind to pick it up. Now.
That’s stupid.
Exactly. And that is why when that piece of paper becomes doing the things that would bring you closer to your vision goals, never get done.
We are so LAZY. Yes, that’s right. We are all LAZY. And the world has made us lazier. If you’re screaming at Alexa to turn on the lights and then get mad when it doesn’t come on, you’re LAZY. It’s not your fault, but it is your choice.
Learning how to tell your mind to do something and then doing it over and over again, is how we build strength, resilience, and our visions. You don’t fight with yourself, tell yourself excuses, or deny it needs to be done. Those things create RESISTANCE, GUILT, and PAIN. Some people are so mad at themselves that they become helpless.
It’s called “learned helplessness”. Like a circus elephant who is trained at birth to stay obedient by chaining it’s leg to a solid pole in the ground. As a baby, it is unable to pull the poll out, so it only walks in a small circle (super sad and cruel, btw). When it grows up into a giant elephant, it can clearly pull the pole out of the ground, but it remains FEELING trapped. So trapped they don’t even have to chain it’s leg anymore.
Learned helplessness. We, as humans, learn helplessness in our lives.
But you can unlearn it.
DO HARD THINGS - EVERYDAY
Cold showers. Extra reps at the gym. Picking up pieces of paper.
You can overcome learned helplessness and learn that you can do anything you set your mind to by EARNING RESPECT with yourself and doing hard things. Everyday.
Earn respect with yourself. It’s a daily challenge.
“I respect myself” you say. But do you? If you did, then fear of being uncomfortable would not exist. Respect is EARNED. And by telling your mind to do something you believe is hard, is like adding to your respect bank account everyday.
THE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE
Life WILL make you feel uncomfortable. In fact, at times, you will feel like giving up. But don’t ever let it stop you. You have to remember, it’s a good thing to feel uncomfortable. That’s how we grow to our full potential.
Personally, I want to die knowing I lived. I want to know that I pushed myself harder. My mentor told me, it feels better to push yourself harder than to let yourself down.
That philosophy has carried me through my toughest personal battles. Some of which I am still fighting, learning, and growing from. Remember when I told you at the beginning I had a story to tell? After my mom’s death and losing 30 lbs and sleeping an hour a night - 15 years later - my body broke down. I now have a connective tissue disorder that caused my colorectal system to collapse, my knee ligaments to give out, and the same week that happened, my shoulder became dislocated.
But I am healing - I am learning to challenge what I know, challenge myself to push harder, and knowing that whether I win this battle in my body, I am learning so much that I can share with my clients, with you, and with every person I meet, so they don’t have to suffer and learn the hard way like I did.
When you feel uncomfortable, say THANK YOU. Thank you to God, the Universe, and to yourself for moving forward and CREATING your potential for your life with every choice and decision.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. You’re so amazing and resilient - just wait to see what awaits you as you create the vision for your life.
Shana Yao is a Conscious Brand Strategist and Founder of Total Genius, where she helps creative entrepreneurs and brands clarify their vision and transform it into an actionable and inspired brand strategy that produces results. Using her 30 years of experience directing the marketing for multimillion dollar retail and shopping center locations, including the famed Rodeo Drive, and working with entrepreneurs and purposeful brands, Shana’s mission is to help business owners cut through the confusion of business and build their personal and professional success from the inside out. Shana is a dog mom and dog advocate, the winner of the International Shopping Center (ICSC) MAXI Award for Innovative Marketing Programs and was voted Volunteer of the Year for spcaLA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Los Angeles). She loves meeting new people, so reach out @total_genius and www.holisticgenius.co.
